We've all been there. That moment when you're hanging out with your best friend and all the sudden you're like whoa, I actually like you. Not like that I like you like I like my dog kind of like, but that I would literally follow you to the ends of the Earth and cut off my right arm if you needed it like. I've been in love with my best friend for about a year now. Now you may be thinking why don't you just freaking tell him already? Don't be dumb. Well, it's a little bit more complicated than that when you work together, especially when they are your superior. As happy as I was with his promotion I knew it would only complicate my situation even more.
You know how to tell when you're in too deep and you've developed feelings? When going a day without talking to them throws your whole day off. When you're having a bad day and they are the only person you want to talk to and the first person you run to for advice. When Megan was dying of cancer, he was the only one I wanted to talk to. The only person who knew exactly what I was feeling up from the day that I found out to the second after the funeral. It takes a lot for me to open up to a person, to let them see my vulnerabilities, to see me in my true times of need, yet he made it so easy. I like that he does the same to me. I know I'm the first person he runs to when he has a bad day or has great news. I know him like the back of my hand, and he knows me.
He always tells me how he's lonely. How he wishes he could just find a girl who likes him. How he wants to be in a relationship again but is also terrified at the same time. I want so badly to tell him how I feel, to tell him that I love the little things about him. His laugh, sense of humor, sarcasm, and his genuinely sweet personality despite his "heartlessness". I want to show him what he looks like through my eyes, how he's not perfect but that's what I like. I like that he's a little rough around the edges. Who else would have carried me home when I was so drunk I couldn't even walk, stayed to make sure I was ok after spending the evening chasing me down in parking lots.
Maria tells me all the time that I should just tell him how I feel. Granted, we are usually very intoxicated when we are having this conversation, but I have convinced myself that it will not work out, mostly from my fear of rejection. I'm completely terrified that if I reveal how I truly feel he will not feel the same way and this precious relationship that we've worked so hard to have will suddenly disappear, and I will be crushed. Part of me knows it really won't work out due to the fact that we simply can't mix business with pleasure. It just wouldn't be a smart idea and he would never jeopardize his job for something like that, nor would I want to put him in a situation where that would be the case.

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Yet again, I am forced to stare death in the face this year, and I am starting to realize that time is short. One day you can see someone and literally minutes, hours, a day from then they can be yanked out of your life forever. I think this is God's way of telling me that it is time. It is time for me to suck it up, that the timing will never be right, and that if I have feelings for someone I should tell them, because what if he isn't here tomorrow? Not everyday is promised. It will never be ideal for us, the timing will never be right, and that's something that I have to come to terms with. I don't want to start something at the beginning of this new chapter in my life, but yet again, I can't imagine doing it without him. I haven't had much contact with him in the last two weeks, seeing that he broke his phone at the worst possible time, when life is unraveling slowly (how convenient), and I have realized that I didn't realize what a big part of my life he is. He is genuinely the only person that I wanted to talk to, he somehow knows exactly what to say, even if it's nothing at all but a slight head nod and a very quiet, "mhmm".
I came so close to caving last night. We spent the entire day drinking beer and watching football and it could have been the high of finally seeing him again, a Ram victory, or simply the amount of alcohol I consumed on an empty stomach, but I for the life of me almost spilled my guts. It took everything in me not to lean over and kiss him on our way back from the bars. So to distract me from doing something I probably would have regretted, seeing that I still had to sober up and drive him home, I told him he would probably marry a model. He laughed and said that he was really picky, and that he didn't have a lot going for him, except the 2% that like his personality, which would be a long shot because even that wasn't that great. And in that moment, I was literally restraining the word vomit from coming up, from leaning over, kissing him right on that smartass little mouth of his and telling him how much I adore everything about him, that I didn't care how complicated it would be, that I would find a way to make it work if the feelings were mutual. But I didn't. I sobered up and drove him home, and it that moment where we were sitting in his driveway, him thanking me for driving him home and asking me if I sure I was okay to drive home, collecting the empty beer cans from my backseat "just in case you do get pulled over", I remembered what it was like to be so completely happy you could explode and how wonderful it was to have someone in my life who genuinely was concerned about my well being.
I spent the car ride home thinking about how I should turn around and just go tell him everything, but how I should also get home before I really am in some trouble, because who am I going to call to come bail me out if my one phone call doesn't even have a phone? When I messaged him to tell him that I was home, yes, he reacivated his facebook just to make sure I got home okay, I told him that I had to tell him something. I had the whole thing typed out, I really like you. But I couldn't send it. It wasn't how I wanted to tell him, I wanted to tell him old school, face to face, not cowering behind social media, because I know it would mean that much more to him. As completely terrifying as it will be to do it face to face, it must be done that way. So I told him about how Maria had said she didn't trust him, but how I would trust him with my life. He told me not to worry about it, because she was a "hormonal wreck and doesn't have that great of judgement in people to begin with". I told him he was my favorite person ever and I would fight to the grave to show people what I see and he responded with "you're mine" and told me he was going to bed. It wasn't much, just two words. But unless I'm reading into things too much, I think the feeling might be mutual. He invited me to a Halloween party, told me he didn't have any other friends and wanted to go to the football game with me, and let's face it, when we're both super drunk he likes to put his arms around me and I like to lean into his smoky, Dolce and Gabbana presence.
Life has showed me lately that it's now or never. Life is too short to put things off because you never know when your clock or those you loves clocks are ticking in their final minutes. I have to tell him soon because I simply cannot contain it anymore. I want to be with him, I want to celebrate holidays and big lifetime achievements. I want to sit outside with him while he smokes those damn cigarettes that are taking away my already precious time with him, and watch the Notebook while we both cry and there is not judgement because we just get each other. What could be better than loving your best friend for the rest of your time together?